Don't.

Around 3 a.m. last Saturday night, I decided to take one more ride request before throwing in the towel for the evening. The request came from 4th and Washington downtown, where I found a very drunk couple - a woman and a man - who had attended a wedding reception with a very, very open bar. 

As I began the trip, I noticed that the destination wasn't a specific street address, but rather, just a street and city. 

"Would you mind opening the app and entering your exact drop-off address for me, please?" I asked.

Instead, the woman slurred some numbers at me.

"That's great, but I need you to enter that in the app please."

"Yeah, yeah," she said, "sure."

"Psh." was the sound emitted from the man.

"What?!" demanded the woman. "What is your fucking problem?"

"My problem?" he said, "you can't even use an app right!"

"I didn't request the ride! You did! Fix it!" she said, incorrectly.

"No, Melissa," he said, "this is on your account. You requested the ride."

And thus began the longest ride of my life.

Before we even left downtown, he was belittling her for drinking too much and embarrassing him, though apparently he didn't know anyone else at this wedding reception. She, in turn, was belittling him for not paying for anything.

This was a drawn out debate. So drawn out that by the time we were on the highway, on the outskirts of downtown, the argument about who had requested the ride evolved into a pissing contest about who spends more money in the relationship.

"I spend so much money on you," she said. "You're just a mooch. You just mooch off of me. You're a parasite."

"You are so full of shit," he said. "I pay for stuff!"

"Oh yeah?" she demanded. "Like what?!"

Coming up empty after a blissful moment of silence, he retorted. "Well, maybe I'd pay for more if I didn't have to get pizza for everyone the other night!"

Clearly, this was his Excalibur. He got pizza for everyone.

"Ohhhhh, mister big shot! Getting pizza for everyone!" she screamed back at him, her words soaked in resentment. "You work at a pizza place, Jeremy!"

"I still have to pay for it!" he appealed. "I still have to pay for it, Melissa!"

"And you didn't even save me any!" she countered. 

"I saved you three pieces!"

"You know that's not enough when I'm drunk!"

"Of course not, you fat fucking cow!"

Oh damn. Shit just got real in my back seat. It then proceeded to get realer and realer. I just zoned out and drove. 

"You are a real mother fucker, Jeremy, you know that?"

I tended to agree with Melissa at this point. That was a pretty low blow. Especially from a leech like Jeremy.

"Fine, you're right, I'm sorry," he said, unconvincingly.

"You're sorry? Right. Bullshit. I don't want you coming back to my house," she said. 

"My name is on the lease!" he said. "My dog is there. He needs to be walked! I'm staying at my house!"

"Fine," she said. "Uber guy how much longer?"

We had just pulled off the highway and onto the street listed in the app.

I read their street name. 

"This doesn't look familiar," said Melissa.

"Did you update the address in the app like he asked you to?" asked Jeremy.

Look at Jeremy, making up ground. 

"What? I told him the address!" she said, and repeated it. I noticed that the address she told me had four digits. All the houses on this street had two. Definitely not a good sign.

I had to get involved. I parked the car, turned around, and addressed the assholes in the back seat.

"When I picked you up, I told you the app only had a street listed, and I asked you to update your destination to include the specific drop-off address. Do you remember that?"

"Yeah, do you fucking remember?" Jeremy interjected.

"I don't want to hear it, Jeremy," I said. 

Silently, Melissa turned to Jeremy, sneered at him, and handed me her phone.

"Can you please do it for me? I don't know how."

I entered the correct address for her - something I would have gladly done eight miles earlier.

The updated destination: six miles southeast of our location, another 14 minutes away. Son of a...

The arguments continued, though admittedly not with as much gusto as the first leg of the trip. The intensity ramped up as we approached the final - correct - destination, though.

As Melissa and Jeremy began to exit my car, both felt the need to make closing statements, because apparently I looked like I gave a fuck.

"I'm sorry he's such a piece of shit," said Melissa.

"And I'm sorry she doesn't know how to use a fucking app," said Jeremy.

Again, I turned around and addressed them. 

"First, please make sure you have all your belongings. I don't want to come back here." They double-checked the seat and the floor for keys and phones.

"Second, and more importantly, do you have kids?" I asked.

Melissa responded with a puzzled look. Jeremy simply said, "Nope!"

"Good," I said. "Don't."

Rain

I decided to go out driving last night.

This isn't too unusual for a Friday night. However, last night there were severe thunderstorms throughout the area throughout the evening and overnight, and this is going to continue throughout the day today. 

Of course, Murphy's Law would dictate that I would get a trip from the airport - at midnight on a Friday - all the way out to O'Fallon, Missouri. This took me through the heart of the storm. The same storm that killed a 12 year old girl on the highway at the very same airport I had just left an hour earlier, when, for reasons unknown, the adult driving the car she was in decided to do a U-turn on the entrance ramp, causing the car to be swept away by a flash flood. 

I'm not going to point out what the driver did wrong, as that won't bring anyone back. Besides, I wasn't there, and I can't know for certain what transpired - though I have some idea, being familiar with the area. 

No, what I will do is share with you how I prepare my vehicle for this sort of thing.

While I found the driving situation stressful, at no point was I panicked. Panicked drivers end up in ditches - or worse.

1. What kind of condition is your car in? Generally speaking, you should keep a close eye on a few vehicle conditions. For starters, how worn are your tires? I drive a lot of miles, so I go through a lot of tires. Sure, I could probably let them go longer, but I transport other people all over the place all year round. I need my tire treads to be deep enough to grip the road effectively in any condition, from a 90 degree July day that turns into a stormy night (like yesterday) to an icy New Year's Eve. 

You should also make sure your windshield wipers aren't cracked, worn, or streaking. If they do any of those, it's time to replace them. 

Side note: the people who drive around with their windshield wipers running on the highest speed for the slightest drizzle drive me absolutely nuts. I have a theory that the speed of the wipers in a light rain is in direct relation to the amount of space you should give that driver in inclement weather. If they are using their delay wipers like a normal person, give them a normal amount of space. If they're burning out the wiper motor from running it on high every time a drop of rain falls from the sky, give that person as much room as possible, because they're probably the same kind of person who, rather than buckling their seat belt, lets the warning chime ding, or lives with a shrill chirp every 30 seconds instead of replacing the battery in the smoke detector. These people are inattentive and will bring society down with them if the rest of us get too close.

Also, I recommend using Rain-X on your windshield every couple of weeks. If you aren't familiar with Rain-X, it is a hydrophobic solution that is applied to your windshield to repel water. In a light-to-moderate rain, it makes wipers almost unnecessary. Last night, I'm fairly certain it saved my life... or at least my deductible, as it allowed me to swerve in time to avoid a large sign or piece of plywood being blown across the highway at my car.

2. Avoid standing water. At speeds as low as 35 mph, it can take as little as a tenth of an inch of water to hydroplane. If you start hydroplaning, take your foot off the gas and steer gently in the direction you are hydroplaning, as this allows your wheels to realign themselves. Lots of newer cars - particularly those with front wheel drive - have traction control systems that will alert and assist you with this. Don't jerk the wheel in the opposite direction, as you could make things much worse, very quickly.

Oh, and if you're on a highway during a heavy rain, stay toward the center lane, as the road is designed for the water to run off the sides. 

3. Turn on your headlights (but not your high beams!) Turning on your headlights increases visibility. In Missouri, it's actually a law that you have to have your headlights on if your wipers are on. However, there is one caveat: don't use your high beams unless you absolutely have to. And in an urban environment, you should almost never have to use your high beams. There are so many people who drive around St. Louis with their high beams on or no headlights at all. It's infuriating. 

And if you have a burned out headlight, go to AutoZone, O'Reilly, or nearly any auto parts store and replace it. The employees there will likely help you do it, too.

4. Know how your ventilation system works and use it to your advantage. This is especially true in the summer months. Your car's air conditioner and defroster will remove moisture from the air inside your car if the windows are up. This will prevent the inside of the windows from fogging. Don't be the smooth-brained idiot driving around, constantly wiping off the inside of their windshield with their hand.

5. Turn off your cruise control. Cruise control is like a toaster - it should only be used in dry conditions. 

6. Finally, if you don't have to go anywhere, stay home. I'll admit, I didn't follow my own advice on this point last night. I didn't have to go out driving, but I did. Thankfully, it all worked out fine, but everything would have been just as fine if I had stayed at home. As one of my high school teachers said, "do as I say, not as I do." 

I hope this was somewhat helpful, and I hope you have a safe, relaxing, and dry weekend.

Arrogant

 Last night, as the bars in West County were closing, I received a ride request from a little hole-in-the-wall bar on Manchester Road in Ballwin. Upon my arrival, a drunk 20-something non-ironically wearing a Hawaiian shirt staggered out.

"Do you have a mask?" I asked him.

Of course he didn't, so I gave him a disposable mask.

He half-heartedly apologized for not having a mask with him, and thanked me for being so prepared. He then explained that he lives in Kansas City, and no one is wearing masks there, nor have they for many months. 

Okay, cool story bro.

He also mentioned that he is an Uber driver in Kansas City, and started bragging about how much money he makes.

"Oh man, we make $50, $55 an hour, easy," he said. "It's insane - and so simple."

"How long have you been driving?" I asked him.

"Well, uh, I started doing Uber just like a month ago," he said, "and then I totaled my car - not during an Uber trip or anything. Just by myself. And I bought a new car while I was in town this weekend visiting my parents for the 4th."

"I see," I said. 

"Yeah, it's so much better driving for Uber in Kansas City than it is here," he said.

"Have you been an Uber driver in St. Louis?" I asked.

"Well... no... I just figure it's better because we make so much more money than you guys."

"How do you know you make more money than us?" I asked. "If you've never driven here, you really don't have any way of knowing, do you?"

I went on to explain that I, too, was making $50, $55, and sometimes even $65 or $70 per hour during the past few months as bars and restaurants reopened and restrictions were lifted. I also explained that  there's a suspicion that the Uber algorithms give new drivers - like him - a lot more fares their first few weeks to hook them in. 

"How long have you been working for Uber?" he asked, showing that he doesn't know the first thing about this business.

"I don't work for Uber," I said. "I don't work for Lyft, either. I work for myself. Uber and Lyft are, in a way, my business partners... but more accurately, they provide the software I use to make money. The same goes for every driver on every platform - Uber, Lyft, Doordash, Postmates, Grubhub, etc. - you work for yourself."

Side note: Pedantic? Sure. But in my opinion, it's an important distinction, and putting yourself in that mindset also helps you position yourself, mentally, for an existence in which you are constantly looking out for your own interests, especially when your business partners change the rules. Unless compelled to do so by an external force, no rule change will ever benefit the driver more than it benefits the company. But I digress...

"Oh, okay, whatever," he said, "so how long have you been driving?"

I told him I started in 2015 and let him do the math. 

"Wow, that's a long time," he said. 

"Yes," I said. "It is. So if you have any questions you want to ask someone who has been doing this a very long time, now's your chance."

I was kind of kidding, but he took me up on it. We discussed the importance of tracking mileage and expenses, staying on top of vehicle maintenance - especially oil changes and tire rotations, and how a can of Scotchgard can be an excellent investment. 

He then asked about the plexiglass partition I have between my front and back seats.

I explained that Uber sent it to me about a year ago. It's a sneeze guard, but it also provides a physical barrier between my passengers and me, so I plan to keep it up as long as I'm driving. 

"Oh, nah, I don't need one of those," said the rookie driver from Kansas City. "All the people I drive are cool."

I explained that a lot of passengers like the partition as well - it provides a sort of separation for them from the driver in an already-cramped space. I like it because I don't like to be touched by strangers. Especially drunk ones who insist on patting my back or touching my shoulder. Just because I'm a big guy, that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to dislike unwanted physical contact. 

I also explained that I take nearly every ride request. I don't discriminate based on pickup or drop-off location. If someone in a bad neighborhood needs a ride at 2 a.m., I'm going to pick them up. I'll keep my head on a swivel, and if something doesn't feel right, I'm outta there, but I'm going to pick them up.

My passenger scoffed. 

"Man, if I drove here, and I got any request from north county or north city or anywhere like that, any time of day," he said, "I'd turn it down. No questions asked. I'm not going up there. I'm not driving those people."

Those people.

"I don't have to worry about that in Kansas City," he said. "All the land in the city is getting bought up and developed, and all the people who used to live there and commit crimes and stuff are getting pushed out farther away from the city, and they're taking their crime with them. They can't afford to live in Kansas City anymore though, so it's not KC's problem."

He went on to explain that that's what St. Louis should do. "They" - whoever he thinks "they" refers to - should just buy up all the land in the city, proper, and develop it, so only wealthy young people can afford to live there, displacing lower income families, many of whom have been there for generations, but because of generational systemic racism, have been unable to build generational wealth.

I didn't have time to explain how cruel and asinine this proposal was, though, because as we reached that point, we pulled up to his parents' house - a $700k McMansion in Wildwood. 

Maybe we should take up this proposal. Maybe then all the "criminals" can move out to the exurbs where this guy's parents moved, likely to escape the indignity of living in the city. Then we'll see who makes the next move.

After all, everyone has to live somewhere.