Audacity

November 29, 2020 4:06 p.m.

For the first time in all my years of driving for Uber and Lyft, a passenger threw up in my car and had the audacity to watch me clean up her mess from the comfort of MY house.

Ejected

November 14, 2020 12:40 a.m.

Tonight, I went out driving, as I do most Friday and Saturday nights. As we are seeing a spike in COVID-19 cases, I have been extra vigilant about making my passengers wear masks. That's on top of my normal amount of vigilance.

What does extra vigilant mean? Well, for me, it means reminding my passengers when they get in the car that they need to wear their masks for the entire ride, that the masks must cover their mouth and nose, and looking in the mirror periodically throughout the ride to make sure they are *still* wearing their masks.

When the bars in the city closed around 11, I picked up a group of four SLU students from McGurks in Soulard. Two of them had no masks anywhere to be seen. The other two had what I like to call "chin diapers" - that is, the masks were technically worn, but only covering their chins. 

Now, Uber has temporarily said that the passenger limit for UberX (which is the class I drive) is three, with all passengers sitting in the back seat. However, I will make an exception and take four passengers if, and only if:

- all passengers have masks

- all masks are worn properly

- the passengers aren't douchebags

- everyone wears a seatbelt

The two passengers without masks - a guy and a girl - quickly produced them from their pockets and put them on. The chin diaper wearers - another girl and guy - were a split ticket. The girl put her mask on correctly the first time I asked. The guy had to be asked multiple times.

Chin diaper guy then said, "oh wait wait wait! We can't leave without Joe!"

I don't remember if Joe was the fifth person's name, but let's assume it was. There was a fifth person in their party. Chin diaper guy was not the person who requested the ride, by the way. And to say this, he had already pulled his mask down.

"Okay," I said, "we haven't left yet. A few things - right now, Uber is limiting UberX to three passengers... BUT I will make an exception and take all four of you IF you all have masks, you all wear them properly for the entire trip, and you all wear your seatbelts. Deal?"

Everyone agreed. Chin diaper guy kept obsessing over his abandoned comrade Joe.

"Hey," I said to chin diaper guy, "you need to wear your mask over your mouth and nose."

He put it on and I started driving.

One of the girls started gushing about how her best friend drives a Kia Soul and said something about the hamster commercial. Yes, I've seen the hamster commercials. The other girl said she's done Doordash and asked if I've ever done that. Yes, I have. It wasn't great, but it's something. She agreed.

I heard chin diaper guy's window go down as he hocked a loogie out onto the street.

"Dude," I said, "don't spit or throw anything out of my car," I said. "And if you're spitting out of my car, that means your mask is off. What did I tell you about that? Your mask stays on."

We got another few blocks before I did a mirror check and saw that chin diaper guy, who was generally being a douchebag, was, of course, chin diapering. Mask down, covering only his chin, breathing out of his mouth.

"Okay," I said, "ride is over."

I pulled the car over at the intersection of Tucker and Hickory and asked everyone to get out.

"Sorry - you three are cool, but your friend can't keep his mask on, so the ride is over."

All four got out silently, without protest, as though this wasn't the first time chin diaper guy's behavior had altered their plans.

Moral of the story: choose your friends wisely, because their behavior reflects on you, for better or for worse. Also, wear a damn mask. Especially if you're getting into someone else's vehicle after spending an evening inside a crowded bar during a global pandemic.