Monday, June 21, 2021

Lies

June 21, 2021
3:46 p.m.

Passengers lie.

"I'm not going to throw up."

Those words have been uttered - or, more accurately, slurred - by every person who has ever puked in, on, or near my car.

"I'll tip you in the app."

Usually followed by a wink and/or a cocky gesture (think finger guns), this passenger has no intention whatsoever of leaving their driver a tip. It has been my experience that of all the people who have said this to me, maybe five percent actually do end up tipping me in the app. And even that might be generous. They're overcompensating because they think you're on to them (you already were) and are afraid you're going to give them a bad rating for not tipping (it's better not to say anything, honestly.) If you're a jerk, I already know you're not tipping, and there's no need to make a big production of it. 

There are also the non-verbal lies. The cute 20-something who tries to flirt her way into getting you to squeeze seven people into a vehicle that can only hold four. I'm 41, fat, have sleep apnea, and drive a Kia Soul base model. That's the car with the hamsters in the commercials. You have no interest in me - and I have no interest in you, because any amorous activity that would happen between us would literally kill me.

I've actually been offered - and turned down - sexual intercourse in exchange for rides. I may be lonely, but I'm not stupid.

But I digress. There's a new lie that is becoming more and more rampant, and there's no way to tell what percentage of people are being truthful.

"I'm vaccinated."

There is no vaccine passport. No vaccination ID, unless you carry your card with you. I keep an image of mine on my phone, but that's it. Besides, as soon as people started getting vaccination cards, other, less scrupulous people realized there would be anti-maskers and conspiracy theorists out there who would pay money for fake vaccination cards, and began selling them online. So no, I'm sorry, I am skeptical of people who tell me they are vaccinated.

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